Relationships

This is the script of the Ted talk I made almost four years ago. The talk was never published so I thought I'd just rephrase it and post it here. The parts I'll be quoting is going to be wrapped in double quotes.

The topic of that talk was human relationships and the very simple yet non-intuitive secret to maintaining relationships with the people you wanna keep close, which is mutual benefits. In fact, almost half the talk was building up to that fact.

I started by telling a few friendship stories; some ended tragically like Julius Ceaser and Brutus, while others lasted until one or both died.

" There are tons of stories about friendships that lasted forever and ones that ended despite how tight it was. But statistically speaking, friendships on average do not last more than 7 years at most. Only 1% of friendships that were made in seventh grade lasted till twelfth grade with 76% risk of dissolving within the first year.

If we closely analyzed these examples or basically any friendship in the world, we will notice a pattern, a factor that either dissolves or make friendships. Some people believed that it is due to other relationships taking over, some said it is about the change in one's lifestyle, others said it is distance, new connections, high expectations. It took me quite some time before I realized these reasons where in fact only one. It was all about Mutual Benefits. "

Let's rewind here for a minute. That actually checks out. People don't change their lifestyles to the better or even to the worse unless that change benefits them some way or another (even people who turn to drugs do it for the dopamine), same goes for high expectations, it breaks friendships because one end of it is not satisfied by the benefits the other end is providing. This is also why anyone would seek distance in a relationship.

" But do not get me wrong as the term mutual benefits goes beyond materialism, it includes feelings of satisfaction, mutual respect, and mutual thoughts and beliefs.

Remember when we talked about Ceaser and Brutus, well, their friendship actually ended the moment Brutus decided that Ceaser is no longer a benefit to him. As for louis and schmelling, these two obviously had a huge mutual respect for each other.

So, now that we are kind of settled on the fact that mutual benefits Is the main factor that either breaks or maintains friendships, it is time to redefine friendship. I've read many definitions of friendships

• - An unconditional love with no expectations,
• - A friendship is all about support and help getting though struggles,
• - it is the feeling that you belong to that person

and actually they are not wrong, these terms are just not as general as they should. For me I'd say 'Friendship is about two or more persons having mutual benefits -in all its forms- or interests and care for each other' and that is friendship in its simplest forms

The new definition kind of makes it clear now that to maintain a forever lasting friendship, to keep mutual benefits between the two of you and a very important thing is to care. Which brings us to another question and that is how to make someone care for you? short answer: you can't. Attention and care look something like a pulling rope game between two people. Where pulling is the equivalent of caring or giving attention. See! The problem here is that the more attention you give the more the other person loses interest in the friendship.

When the psychologist Beverly Flaxington was asked about caring she said that yeah sometimes we can be involved in a friendship where the other person is cold hearted and just doesn't care enough, so suggested you should do one of five things all of which were about embracing your soft heart or leaving.

As it might be clear, there is nothing such as changing the other person. Psychologically you can't change how someone care about you. You either adapt somehow or leave.

To sum up, if -as a prerequisite- there is mutual care in your relationship and you want to keep a forever lasting friendship with that person you should have 'the talk'. Know what they are expecting of you and let them know what you are expecting of them, and try to keep these things alive in the relationship. That's the only secret."

Honestly, although, the talk wasn't all that well written, but all the things I wrote are things I heartily believe in. Content-wise, this piece of writing was probably the best things I've wrote throughout high school.